Suet Sells

23 Aug

As someone who is trying to lose a bit of body fat at the moment, a brief snatch of an advert on the TV the other day really riled me.

This is far from an unusual occurrence, the ‘Cheeky Bingo’ woman who pulls a diarrhea face every 12 minutes in the break bumpers of Jezza Kyle makes me want to enact a global atrocity every morning, but I digress.

It was a TV trail for one of those WE’LL HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT IN RETURN FOR THE NATION LAUGHING AT YOU programmes airing on More4 or whatever it trades as these days.

One of the most glaring stunts these programmes employ is to attempt to shit-scare the fatties out of their blubber by heaving a hideous ‘Fuck You Africa’ clod of rotting food into a clinically white conference centre and tell the fatty that this is all the food they consume in a year/month/week.

‘URGH look at how disgusting it is! That’s your insides, that is! Aren’t you a greedy pig? Aren’t you vile? Aren’t you revolting? WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE?!’ the ‘presenter’ coos with a smile painted on their face so brash even the Joker would say it was too much.

Most of the fatties cry. Probably not due to their own shame, but because the three tons of rotting turkey drummers in front of them is stinging their eyes.

The truth is, even three tons of celery, low-fat ham and grape juice is going to look pretty gross when dumped at your feet; especially when  Not-A-Real-Doctor Gillian McHag rubs your nose in it like a puppy that’s just shit in a slipper.

‘We’ll help you though!’ The ‘presenter’ condescends. ”Coz despite the fact we’ve named this show England’s Fattest Single Mothers, we want to help. We’re kind people really. Don’t fret little fatty, we are going to be with you every step of the way- except when the cameras are off. And the series ends. And when we’re appearing on Daybreak every fortnight to comment on aging Judy Finnegan’s dilapidated thighs. But apart from that, we will always be here for you, from beginning to end. Right up to until the ‘Chasing Cars’ montage of you playing with your overweight children on a council estate playground at the end.’

How inspiring.

The conclusion? Apparently if you don’t eat lots of fatty, clearly labelled unhealthy foods and do a bit of exercise now and then, you don’t get fat. Who’d have thought? So TV companies, go find some other bollocks to fill your schedules with. Except you won’t, coz this shit pulls in the viewers. Apparently it’s not just sex that sells, it’s suet too.

It’s worth starving yourself just to prevent your over-enthusiastic, slightly hurtful sister from nominating you as Lorraine‘s ‘Loser of the Week’.


From the Sublime to the Ridiculous, to the Even More Ridiculous

19 Sep

Behold, Jennifer Lopez’s video for third single, ‘Papi’, off of That Album She Paid RedOne To Make.



A stupid incident with a man with a rose, turns into a chase, turns into some car stunts, turns into a riot, turns into a dance routine.

It’s so silly, it becomes somewhat brilliant.

In related news, I counted 7 incidents of gloriously shoehorned product placement. Anyone care to raise me?

Extra props go to the man so tanned you can’t actually make out the features on his face.

Well done J.Lo.

This Is Not A Remix. I Repeat, This Is Not A Remix.

28 Jul




…is the new Saturdays’ single; ‘All Fired Up’. That’s right, this is their single, as in radio edit, as in this is the whole balls-out-here-we-go, make available to the masses, single.

It’s a brave and sort of admirable move to completely change an artist’s genre of music, especially when the artist is such a conventionally smiley pop group. This is not a pop/dance record. It is also not a ‘dance-infused’ pop record. It is a dance record.

At the end of the Saturday, The Saturdays are in an uncomfortable position at the moment. Whereas once they were a healthy refreshment from the guitar-laden music scene they emerged from beneath, times have now changed. Pop is everywhere, and has once again become the norm. Therefore, the scene is saturated and therefore only the good (Gaga) and the lucky (Pitbull) thoroughly succeed in breaking through. The Saturdays’ last few singles have not set the charts alight. Instead, The Sats seem to be increasingly churning out singles to satisfy only their exisiting fans needs; to anybody else they are, frankly, unimpressionable.

Hence, ‘All Fired Up’ is such a marked contrast to their previous material. It’s a step into the unknown which may prove either a life-saver or a grave-digger. ‘All Fired Up’ should in theory get them noticed again. However, by changing musical direction so dramatically, (and half way through an album campaign at that), the band risk alienating their previous, surprisingly loyal, fanbase. Radio stations may also stick their preverbial noses up; The Saturdays have provided easy-listening, air-time filling hits for over four years now. ‘All Fired Up’ however, is no ‘Issues’, ‘Higher’, or the admittedly quite brilliant, ‘Up’.

Don’t get me wrong, The Saturdays are not bleeping away on their life-support machine just yet, they could easily twirl out a few more paint-by-numbers radio-friendly singles then slowly disappear off the radar, but a radical change is/was needed to guarantee any form of longevity or brand identity. ‘All Fired Up’, in itself, is catchy, dancey and to many people’s chagrin, very ‘2011’. It remains to be seen however if it is too little, too late for the group.

On a side note- although ‘All Fired Up’ has it’s merits, the song is so infested with big fat lazy cliches that it makes the entire JLS back catalogue sound like a Thomas Hardy novel. The very concept of the song being awarded with its very own ‘Lyric Video’ is pretty much preposterous; flash cards would perhaps have been more appropriate.

Easy to squeal when you’re pissed though…Job done, I guess. 🙂

This Is Amazing.

22 Jul


Jay Z surprising the crowd…and Rihanna as her tour rolls into New Jersey.

Well Jel.

File This Under ‘Popstar In The Middle Of A Breakdown’

20 Jul


This, my friends, is apparently the original version of Britney Spears’ ‘Gimme More’ video from all the way back in 2007. It seems the Big Wigs must have stepped in at the last minute and edited out all of the footage which makes Britney look overtly crazy; this was of course around the time she carried an umbrella around for protection.

Of course, cutting the crazy would have meant cutting the video entirely and so it seems the solution was to loop the same clip of Britney twatting around a pole for four minutes and declaring it an art piece.

Of course, despite Britney walking down a street then back again, this video is only slightly less terrible than the original in that it at least has the ‘OMG…Just… just look at her’ factor and, quite simply, has more than one scene. (Gaga take note.)

Personally i’m most gutted that they cut the scene of Britney kicking her cat off the bed (3.25-3.29).


Disco Blisters and Not a Letdown

20 Jul

Somebody needs to un’b-side’ this immediately:



As admittedly positive as it is that Nicola Roberts can afford to dump a cracking little tune like this onto a CD Single ‘b-side’, it’s slightly disappointing that ‘Disco Blisters and a Comedown’ will probably never recieve any radio play. Perhaps even Fearne ‘New Music’ Cotton would sacrifice playing a track by ‘The Horrors’ for it once in a blue moon. Actually no, that’s a stupid idea, of course she wouldn’t. SHE IS FAR TOO COOL.

More disappointingly still, the track is less than likely to appear on Nicola’s solo album, Cinderella’s Eyes, due in September. What IS exciting however, is that if such a quirky, danceable discoLOL like ‘Disco Blisters’ is only deemed sufficient enough to serve as an added extra on a CD nobody is going to buy, it begs questions as to what other pop gold Roberts has secreted up her size 6 sleeves.



PS: There’s more than a hint of Pre-Surprise Surprise/Blind Date-back-when-she-used-to-sing-no-really Cilla Black in Nicola’s vocals on ‘Disco Blisters’. It’s like Merseyside lays a Ginger-Singer egg every 40 years. Brilliant.

PPS: Apparently ‘Disco Blisters and a Comedown’ will serve as a UK bonus track on Cinderella’s Eyes after all, rendering this post more or less redundant. Hooray for Wikipedia.



Half a Day Day, Daydaydayday

3 Jul

It’s all gone wrong.

Someone’s stolen an acapella version of your new song, made up their own dance beat, thrown it behind the vocals and leaked it to the net claiming it to be your new single. You panic. You vomit at how awful it is and that the listening masses may think it’s your work. You’re David ‘Sexy Chick’ Guetta. You can’t have this.

To remedy it, you rush-release the proper version, then ring The Pentagon and tell them to electric chair the bastard who caused this mess.

The proper song tops the charts. It all becomes a bit less embarassing. Except you still don’t have a video. That’s embarrassing. And oh bollocks, your song contains two other globally famous artists as well as yourself…

You vomit again. This is never going to work. How are you ever going to round everybody up to make a music video at such short notice?

Two months pass, the song begins to fade away. Christ, you STILL don’t have a video. It’s never going to get made. OH MON DIEU, how embarrassing!

But wait, there may be a solution…



Get everyone to do separate half day shoots and whack it all together with a ropey subplot involving some bubbles and that. Oh and book some models, lots of models. Gotta have the models.