It’s A ‘No’ From Me.

31 May

Neither series has even begun, yet The X Factor UK and The X Factor USA have been wracking up the headlines nevertheless.

I’d rather not go into the whole unpleasant Cheryl business. I think every possible story, scrap of speculation, dreamt up soundbite and ‘overheard’ conversation from the ever ellusive ‘source’ has already been documented. With still no actual confirmation from Cowell, Cole, Fox, Syco or ITV, chances are we’ll never know what happened to get Our Lovely Cheryl that one way ticket home.

As the speculation goes thundering on however, at least we know one thing for sure about our own series; it’s fucked.

Whether she jumped or was pushed, X Factor producers didn’t even bother to arrange the filming schedule to enable audience favourite Dannii Minogue to reclaim her seat behind the famous desk; despite last year managing to wing it quite easily whilst she was busy having a big fat baby. With all the Syco-Fox induced shitstorm surrounding Cheryl, she was also out of the frame, leaving Louis Bloody Walsh as the only remaining judge of old available to sign a contract. (Simon’s been out for the count ever since he jumped into bed with the Fox network.)

With one audition already cancelled due to lack of preparation and another a matter of hours away, monday evening’s announcement from the ITV press centre seemed more of a ‘Here’s Who’s Famous And Available On Wednesday’ selection process. So here’s our lot for X Factor 2011, beginning in August:

  • Louis Bloody Walsh
  • Gary Borelow
  • ChavDubz
  • Kelly Rowland

It is a known fact of life that the only function Louis Bloody Walsh performs is to enable us all to complain about his ludicrous decisions and the fact that he’s been there EIGHT years yet only won ONCE. ‘Why is Louis Walsh even there?!’ is as much of an X Factor catchphrase as ‘You nailed it!’ or ‘You made the song your own!’.

Barlow is admittedly a brilliant songwriter and his achievements with Take That more than demonstrate that. Pleasant and inoffensive may be perfect for his particular record-buying audience but for an X Factor judge, it will simply appear boring. Sorry, but it will. My fingernails have more charisma. (NOTE TO SELF:- ‘The Fingernails’= good band name.)

ChavDubz- Bratty, miserable, offensive, unqualified and has previously damned the X Factor for its ‘Queue up to be famous’ sensibilities. Someone clearly hasn’t done their homework before hiring this girl. Having garnered huge experience in selling-out as part of the worst urban collective ever to bother the Top 20, I can only hope she was bloody cheap. Clearly ITV are suffering more than most from the economic downturn.

Finally, Kelly Rowland. I like Kelly Rowland. All too frequently passed off as simply That One Off Of Destiny’s Child That Isn’t Beyonce, I hope the show gives Kelly the platform she deserves- perhaps a la Scherzinger. I acknowledge that i’m probably one of very few who can legitimatly name nine (yes nine!) bloody decent Rowland solo/featuring tracks, but non-believers can always hold onto the fact that Queen Beyonce herself may well rock up at her Judge’s House.

I’m apparently not alone in my dismay. A poll conducted by the Sun on monday night resulted in a daunting 72% of readers claiming they were unhappy with the changes. Furthermore, 67% of Digital Spy readers voted negatively towards the new panel or were unhelpfully, at present, ‘unsure’.

Could this really be the end for the biggest TV show in Britain? The judges are out.

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