Loughborough University: Wanting Your Money Whether You’re A Student, Graduate Or Dead

6 Jun

Today I recieved my monthly quarterly twice-yearly edition of Loughborough University’s ‘Alumni Magazine’; a 32 page list of ways to donate money to the be-all-and-end-all location in everybody’s life, their old university.

This glossy, full-colour publication helpfully informs me of all the different ways I can donate money to Loughborough University, including ‘Grad Gift’; a way to say ‘thanks’ upon graduation. Or even, and i’m not making this up, leaving Loughborough University money in my will. MY WILL. Like, when I’m dead.

Hopefully I won’t have to painstakingly consider this for another 50-60 years but, I wonder if after i’ve forged a hugely successful career, settled down, travelled the world, done things I’ve always wanted to do, eaten things I’ve always wanted to eat, met people i’ve always wanted to meet, loved and lost new and old friends, loved and lost new and old family members, that after all that, the one place I decide I want my life’s savings to go to is to Loughborough University. A place where I occasionally went to lectures and got drunk at for 3 of my 80 years of existence, over half a century ago.

To be honest, I’d rather give it to the cat’s home.

I hate cats.

And I don’t think i’m being unduly harsh, I believe the £20,000+ I’ve already given to their educated selves is ‘thank-you’ enough. And anyway, they’ll only piss it away on sweets sports. ‘Coz that’s one thing Loughborough’s really crying out for; a new Sport Science/Exercise Studies/Crosstrainer Engineering/Tiddly-Winks Study Centre…

By the way, If I ever send a message to ‘Loughborough University Alumni Magazine’ for them to include the notification of my wedding or birth of my first child into their publication (perhaps with an obnoxious accompanying photo!) then please, please, someone smother me with my Loughborough Merch hoodie and quietly shoot me in the head. Cheers.


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