Suet Sells

23 Aug

As someone who is trying to lose a bit of body fat at the moment, a brief snatch of an advert on the TV the other day really riled me.

This is far from an unusual occurrence, the ‘Cheeky Bingo’ woman who pulls a diarrhea face every 12 minutes in the break bumpers of Jezza Kyle makes me want to enact a global atrocity every morning, but I digress.

It was a TV trail for one of those WE’LL HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT IN RETURN FOR THE NATION LAUGHING AT YOU programmes airing on More4 or whatever it trades as these days.

One of the most glaring stunts these programmes employ is to attempt to shit-scare the fatties out of their blubber by heaving a hideous ‘Fuck You Africa’ clod of rotting food into a clinically white conference centre and tell the fatty that this is all the food they consume in a year/month/week.

‘URGH look at how disgusting it is! That’s your insides, that is! Aren’t you a greedy pig? Aren’t you vile? Aren’t you revolting? WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE?!’ the ‘presenter’ coos with a smile painted on their face so brash even the Joker would say it was too much.

Most of the fatties cry. Probably not due to their own shame, but because the three tons of rotting turkey drummers in front of them is stinging their eyes.

The truth is, even three tons of celery, low-fat ham and grape juice is going to look pretty gross when dumped at your feet; especially when  Not-A-Real-Doctor Gillian McHag rubs your nose in it like a puppy that’s just shit in a slipper.

‘We’ll help you though!’ The ‘presenter’ condescends. ”Coz despite the fact we’ve named this show England’s Fattest Single Mothers, we want to help. We’re kind people really. Don’t fret little fatty, we are going to be with you every step of the way- except when the cameras are off. And the series ends. And when we’re appearing on Daybreak every fortnight to comment on aging Judy Finnegan’s dilapidated thighs. But apart from that, we will always be here for you, from beginning to end. Right up to until the ‘Chasing Cars’ montage of you playing with your overweight children on a council estate playground at the end.’

How inspiring.

The conclusion? Apparently if you don’t eat lots of fatty, clearly labelled unhealthy foods and do a bit of exercise now and then, you don’t get fat. Who’d have thought? So TV companies, go find some other bollocks to fill your schedules with. Except you won’t, coz this shit pulls in the viewers. Apparently it’s not just sex that sells, it’s suet too.

It’s worth starving yourself just to prevent your over-enthusiastic, slightly hurtful sister from nominating you as Lorraine‘s ‘Loser of the Week’.

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